The Last Month or So

I'm not really sure where to start, heck I'm not even really sure what to say. I haven't written in a while. A lot has been going on and a lot of times I feel this isn't the place for my words. I never know who reads this and don't always know just how to write out my thoughts. It's been almost a month since I wrote and it amazes me how long ago that feels. This month has seen God working in my life in different ways. In the last month I wrecked my car, have been in  chiropractic physical therapy for my back after the accident, help taken 13 kids on a mission trip to South Dakota, said goodbye to people who used to be friends, trusted him with a relationship and then watch Him say no to it, and seen God work on my heart and show me how to feel more. I don't know that I have words to explain all of those things or the time for that matter. I could write for hours on each topic. I found myself in a youth development program in Rapid City, South Dakota hurting for the kids there and feeling so helpless, wondering why God put me there when there was nothing I could do to get them out of their horrible situations. I have never before felt that way and I knew that because part of me just wished I could be home and have never seen that so I didn't have to know it happened. I knew that when I was at home I didn't have to feel like someone was ripping my heart out and bashing it on the floor and then saying "look, there is nothing you can do, now pretend you never saw all this." Recently I have seen quite a few of my friends from high school that are walking away from God and it breaks my heart to see them believe the lie that this world will give them that happiness they want so bad. I see my students struggle with some of these things and I just want to scream and shout saying "look this is nothing and will get you nowhere!" but I know it doesn't always work that way. So I show up for them and try to listen to them and pour into them. It amazes me that God's love is perfect because I love those kids like nobody's business but God's love is even bigger than that. I think the ONE thing I loved most about the mission trip was watching my students grow and see God and also see God work in them. If I personally learn something from the trip, then awesome, but my heart rejoices when I see my students get fired up. That is all that matters to me. I'm so sick of this world and the ways people get led astray. A friend of mine mentioned that they finally understood what it meant to long for heaven where wrongs will be righted and justice will be served and hurting will be no more. I can't wait for that. One thing I have been reminded of lately is God is a purely unconditional lover. Even when I forget my quiet time or purposefully skip it, He shows up and persues me. What kind of love is that? I don't think it's found here on earth. I tend to be that person that tries to find the good in people and will let herself get burned over and over again by certain people because I don't see them for who they really are. It hurts each time but I keep hoping they'll change. I kind of hope I don't change that because I'd rather always have hope in someone then never believe in anybody. I just love that no matter what people back stab me or betray me here on earth, my Father will never do that. My verse for right now is John 3:30 "He must increase, but I must decrease." That was the theme verse for the mission trip and it really struck a chord with me about how to love. It isn't so much me trying so hard to do the right thing as in asking God to work through me and allowing Him to take over where I have only allowed my own work to be done. I just love that idea. Instead of trying not to hate, allowing Him to love through me. hm....